Happy Mothers Day!
|Call into the Station|
A policeman radio’s in to the station.
“Hello, is that you Sarge?”
“Yes? Go ahead” comes back the answer.
“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“No sir. The floor is still wet.”
|Protection From Rain|
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene goes to the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case.
A lady went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him $200. Blushing, he said, “Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”
“Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman enquirer about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What could be the bad news?”
“The guy is your doctor.”
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car and began driving around in the country.
At one point, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them. “If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?” she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
“You have 171 sheep,” said the blonde. Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked. She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, “If I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?” The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try.
“You’re a blonde! Now give me back my dog!”
|A Honeymoon Couple|
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, “What if the place is still bugged?”
The groom says, “I’ll look for a bug.” He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, “AHA!” Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, “How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?”
The groom says, “Why are you asking me all of these questions?”
The hotel manager says, “Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them.”
|Smart Little Johnny|
New school year started and little Johnny’s teacher said she will ask a quiz question every Friday. If the kids got the question right, they would have no homework and no class on Monday.
The first Friday came and the teacher asked, “Who can tell me how many stars are there in the sky?” Little Jonny jumped up and answered 1000. The teacher said that’s wrong. She assigned the homework and said, “See you all on Monday.”
Next Friday came and the teacher asked, “Who here can tell me how many fish are in the sea?” Little Jonny was called on to answer and he said 10,000. The teacher said “That’s incorrect, see you all on Monday,” and she assigned homework.
Before next Friday came little Jonny bought black bouncy balls. At the end of the class, when the teacher said it was quiz time, Johnny started bouncing them all over the room. Irritated, the teacher asked, “Alright, who is the comedian with the black balls!?!”
Little Jonny raised his hand and exclaimed “Chris Rock! See ya Tuesday!”
|Late Night Lecture|
Ron Chestnut, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police about 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”
Ron replied, “That would be my wife.”
|When I Die|
One lazy Sunday morning, a man and his wife were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table. Unexpectedly, the man said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other jerk using my stuff.”
She looked at him intently and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another jerk?”
Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall.
The first one says, “I am very sorry about that, I didn’t see you I was looking for my wife.”
“No worries, I’m looking for mine too, I don’t know what happened to her, or where she is.” replies the other man.
The first one suggests “Well, what does your wife look like? I can help you search if you help me too.”
The other man replies, “Well, she’s tall, gorgeous legs, big breasts, tight butt, cute face, thick lips, and so on, what about yours?”
“Forget about mine, let’s look for yours!!”
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 50th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was eighty.
|The Ugly Kid|
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?!”
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”
Going to Mars
NASA was interviewing people to be sent to Mars for an experiment. Only one could go, and he couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. “I want to give a million to my family”, he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll keep $2 million, and pay the engineer to go.”
A state trooper in Kansas made a traffic stop of an elderly lady for speeding on U.S. 166 just East of Sedan, KS. He asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to him.
In with the cards, he was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed carry permit. He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something, body language, or the way she said it, made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now he had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.
He then asked her “Ma’am, you sure carry a lot of guns. What are you so afraid of?”
She looked him right in the eye and said, “Not a dam thing!”
Chocolate Chip Cookies
An old man was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies.
He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything else in the world.
With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs. Then down the stairs and into the kitchen.
There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, he got smacked across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding.
“Leave them alone!” she said, “They’re for the funeral!”
Prayer for Money
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the White House. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It read: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Top 10 Chuck Norris Facts
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
Once the cop pulled over Chuck Norris. The cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afraid to move.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crossed Chuck Norris and lived.
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Three nuns were attending a Yankee baseball game. Behind them sat three men. Because the nuns’ habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to pester the nuns, hoping they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there.”
Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly, “I want to move to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there.”
The third guy yelled, “I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there.”
The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, “Why don’t you go to hell. There aren’t any nuns there.”
Many Blessings my Friends,
Twitter @TsalagiKid @SonsoftheSecond @TacOpsSniper
Todays flowers are Pumpkin Colored Orange in light of The Falling Leafs Time Autumn and the Celebration of All Hallows Eve. Halloween, Spooky Times are two days away. My Twin boys are all prepared. Kieran will be Captain America for his School Costume and Killian will be Spider Man for his School Costume. The Halloween night, Kieran will be a Storm Troopers from Star Wars and Killian is Darth Vader. We’re going to have so so so so so so so much fun…Mommy & Daddy are so excited for them and we cannot wait. And people from other cities travel to our neighborhood because, well, its very nice and us home owners go way out when it comes to decorating our homes and yards with scary spooky Halloween Décor…always been this way for decades. thousands of people, so many there are lines from the home owners doors to the street…it is crazy…
Anyway, here are a few pumpkin colored flowers for the day…
Michael Red Crow Mulholland Photography ~ Sector 7 Studio Productions Los Angeles ~ © 2014
Yes, my friends, I am now #14 in the Music Charts for all of Los Angeles thanks to you, friends on Twitter, Facebook and elsewhere. Thank you most sincerely….
While expressing gratitude, please allow me to inform you all that my All Veterans Hard Rock Band is Gaining Quite a Bit of popularity. I have emailed my music to the Commanding General of the US Air Force NATO John E. Michel in Afghanistan, a dear friend and even though I have been in civilian status since 1986, he is still my CO. He is loving my music and sharing it with his fellow Aviators in his network and sharing my music with our men and women in Uniform serving our Great Nation abroad. I am most grateful to the General, and am so excited about all this.
Furthermore, I have expanded on sales distribution via Every Single Digital Media Music Outlet Online and also providing the option of purchasing physical Mechanical CD’s at Amazon, Target and other venues on the internet while still providing the best of services via downloading copies via iTunes.com/MichaelMulholland and iTunes.com/SonsoftheSecond.
Support us Veterans Supporting Each Other. Get your copies of my Music and help me Support Veterans and The Wounded Warrior Project that I am donating proceeds to.
Also, if not yet following me on Twitter, I am @TsalagiKid and @SonsoftheSecond and on Facebook.com/SacredCrow, would be honored to have you all join me there.
Until Next Time, Take Great Care, Many Blessings My Dear Friends
Michael Red Crow Mulholland
The Michael Mulholland Company ~ Cherokee Trail ~ Sacred Music ~ Publishing & Licensing ~ Sector 7 Studio Productions Los Angeles ~ © 2014
Photo by Michael Red Crow Mulholland Photography © 2014 ~ Sector 7 Studio Productions Los Angeles